Tag Archives: review

Dummy Is Polished Wood

I’ve been watching a lot of films with Adrien Brody of late (since a certain princess I know really likes him). I was surfing a film site and noticed that he stared in a film along side Milla Jovavich. I had never heard of the film, called Dummy, but I figured with those two in the lead roles I could do worse.


Very pleasantly I would have a hard time having done better. It’s a great and heart-felt movie worth every penny I doled out for the used DVD. Terrifically personal and passionate, it will make a fine edition to my permanent collection.

It’s one of those little gems we all love to discover: obscure, independent, and magnificent. Get thee to the video store!

Move your ass!


Everyone Should Have a Big Night

My brother gave me a couple of DVD’s a while back and I’m just now getting to watching this last of them. A film with Ian Holm, Stanley Tucci, Minnie Driver, and Isabella Rossellini (a woman so beautiful she could do me), it is called Big Night.

Big Night
Big Night

It’s basically the story of two Italian brothers who come to the States seeking to make their fortunes as restaurateurs. Things are not going well and they begin to reach out for other ways to succeed, each brother in his own manner. The brothers represent a variety of polar opposites and the interplay between them and between all the characters is well done.

Essentially it is a story about food and should be placed on a shelf along with Babette’s Feast, Tampopo (Dandelion), and Chocolat (with Juliette Binoche, meow).

The story itself is caught somewhere between Tampopo and Waiting for Godot. It is a rich philosophical film filled with brain candy. And the food will make you hungry. I especially liked the timpani. (You can find an example of this dish here and here, the second probably being more closely authentic.)

Get to it, kiddies. The couch is waiting.


How to Be Eaten by a Bear

If you are looking for some fresh comic perspective on bear hunting, you could either try my new sport or read Help! A Bear Is Eating Me! by Mykle Hansen.  The choice is yours and I don’t want to influence your decision either way.

Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!
Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!

My new sport is fun filled and a lot like catch-and-release fishing, except with bears.  Catch-and-release allows fishermin to demonstrate their prowess without removing a breeding candidate from the waterways.  In this kind of bear hunting hunters shoot bears without removing a breeding candidate from the forests.  You basically get to hunt bears, just like fishing catch-and-release you get to fish; but then you don’t actually kill the bear, just like you don’t actually kill the fish.  No eating; no trophying.

How, you ask, can I hunt a bear without killing it?

Excellent question.  This new kind of hunting is called Splat-and-run hunting, and you hunt the bear with paint guns.  And try not to get eaten like Marv Pushkin, the protagonist in agony of Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!

Marv was not hunting with paint guns.  He had an arsenal of real and powerful hunting rifles.  But then again Marv is a bit of an asshole and an idiot.

Oh, but you haven’t read the book yet.  Look, it’s only 129 pages long and it’s really good.  You could get through it in a day while camping and smoking weed and drinking beer.  Technically the camping isn’t required, though it’s a nice outdoorsy book which takes place in Alaska so the fire helps round out the experience.

You might be thinking that a book about a guy being eaten by a bear isn’t funny.  C’mon.  You probably once thought that a movie about creatures of the undead eating brains couldn’t be funny.  You don’t think that way any more.  It’s time to let your prejudices go.  Let them go far away.

Happy camping.


Let’s Talk Zombies or Get Thee to a Video Store

For whatever reason I have watched a host of zombie and other horror films, some good and some bad, and I feel compelled to talk about several of them.  You may have already seen my review of Fido.  Maybe you have even picked up your own copy.  Good for you.  I hope you enjoy these other recommendations (and avoid these stinkers) too.

Last night I watched a great Swedish Norwegian (oops, thanks Martin) contribution to zombie horror called Dead Snow (Død snø).  You think “oh, zombies; that’s bad” and then you think “oh, Nazis; that’s bad” and then you think “Nazi zombies? We are so fucked”.  So much evil; so little time.  This film pays homage to several films in zombie history.  You could make a drinking game of it.  (Even a bit of a nod to Pirates of the Caribbean and Pulp Fiction.)  Definitely watch this film.  Hot Swedish Norwegian girls in the snow.

Buy Dead Snow.

There is a New Zealand contribution to zombie horror our there called Black Sheep.  This one skirts that taboo known as genetic engineering.  I realize you may not think highly of the idea of zombie sheep, but this film works to please on several levels.  And you get to see a vegan-animal-advocate-hippie turned raw meat carnivore.  Rent or buy this one as soon as possible.  You won’t think of wool the same way again.

Buy Black Sheep.

Remember not to get on any plane carrying a coffin and a fugitive pursued by the CIA.  This is the setup for the film Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane and it is just like it sounds: a marvelous blending of Snakes on a Plane and Night of the Living Dead.  You may or may not enjoy this one.  Decent budget.  Easy sets (they are on a fucking plane).  Well acted throughout.  If you enjoyed its two name-sakes, you’ll likely get a great kick out of this one.  Watch it if you can.

Flight of the Living Dead
Flight of the Living Dead

Buy Flight of the Living Dead or rent it.

I watch the bad films so that you don’t have to.  Unless you are into that sort of thing.

Not a zombie flick but rather an alleged vampire film, Fist of the Vampire (which gave me high hopes with the title) just didn’t live up to, well, anything.  Poor acting, meager fight choreography, odd video editing, and bizarre special effects choices inconsistently spread through the film.  You could tell when the actors had their teeth in because they developed lisps.  This is a film to laugh at—not with.  On the plus side there is a lot of gratuitous boob action and some unnecessary lesbian fantasies.  Don’t spend your money here.  And if you do watch it, remember I tried to warn you.

Just because you have a small budget doesn’t mean you can’t kick some zombie ass.  The creators of Special Dead must have been giddy to see the final cut roll.  It was a romp so wrong it must be right.  A zombie outbreak at a special persons camp.  Surprisingly well acted.  I guess they took the advice of Kirk Lazarus seriously and didn’t go “full retard”.  There is so much to love in this low-budget instant classic I’m at a loss where to begin.  The electric chainsaw extension cord problem?  The campfire song?  You have to see it to believe it.  You have to see it.  Don’t come crying to me if you tear out your stitches watching this one.  But watch it.  Give them some money.  They deserve it.

Buy Special Dead or rent it.

(You may have trouble finding a copy of Special Dead to buy as it looks to be out of print.)

Megan Fox is hot.  There is no other reason to watch Jennifer’s Body.  Seriously.  I guess it’s some sort of werewolf film sans fur.  Terrible.  Except she’s so hot.  No nudity but plenty of hot body action.  And some unnecessary lesbian fantasies.

I heard a reading from Dracula’s Guest on Selected Shorts (NPR) and noticed that same title on a torrent site.  I gave it a chance.  Don’t bother.  The film is not worth your time.  I want my 82 minutes back.

More psychological thriller, The Collector was ok.  If you are into boo style horror, you might like this.  I found it had too many silly plot points to make it any good.  You know, something happens and you ask yourself “why the fuck would anyone ever do that?”.  And the psycho character would never have been able to arrange these Home Alone traps in the time allotted (or maybe ever).  I can’t say terrible, but I can’t say good either.  You’re on your own on this one.

In the tradition of undead horrors, we come to The Haunting of Winchester House.  I’m not clear if the authors ever visited the Winchester mansion or if they actually knew anything about the history that you wouldn’t read on the back of a post card, but they did an acceptable job of creating a film.  I love watching films like this because it encourages me to think I too could make a film and get it distributed.  The ghosts are suspiciously zombie-like.  Tons of plot holes.  Much silliness within their attempts at seriousness.  Not that interesting to me, but again if you like boo style horror you might be entertained.  The ending would make M. Night Shyamalan proud.

What’s better than vampires?  Lesbian vampires, of course.  The film Lesbian Vampire Killers follows two friends (think Shaun of the Dead) who decide to vacation in the English countryside for a bit of relaxation and beer.  The only problem is that they vacate to a village cursed by a medieval vampire queen where all the girls are transformed into lesbian vampires when they turn 18.  Add four hot foreigners who have traveled to this village Mystery Machine style specifically to investigate the legends.  How can you possibly go wrong?  Buy this film.  You will not regret it. Packed from end to end with unnecessary lesbian fantasies.

Lesbian Vampire Killers
Lesbian Vampire Killers

Buy Vampire Killers.

(The American release is titled simply Vampire Killers.  Apparently it was more important to remove that horrible word from the title than to preserve any plot connection.  Fucking puritans.)

And finally Zombieland.  Big budget horror often leaves me cold, but this could be the finest hour for both Bill Murray and Woody Harrelson.  Definitely worth the price of admission.

Hope that helps you along your horror path.  Remember: keep your machete sharp and your chainsaw fueled.


How Blindness Lets You See

If you have not yet experienced Blindness, either the film or the novel, I encourage you to pick up your preferred version and get to experiencing.

I love and hate recommending this kind of movie.  I love it because it will have such a dramatic impact on your lives.  I hate it because I can’t really tell you anything about it beforehand.

All I can really say is that it is a film about people who suddenly go blind and about the world which this particular and peculiar change creates.  Rest assured it will, like any well crafted piece of art, allow you insights heretofore unobtainable.

Don’t hesitate.  I know a good tale when I see one.

What Does a Heart Weigh?

A lot less than seven pounds. A good hunk of meat, that. You could get seven pounds of beef for maybe twenty bucks.  A human heart comes in at perhaps 10 ounces.

But if your heart is broken, how can you go about getting a new one?

Congenital heart disease is no fun, to be sure.  I have just watched a film that works a cure on many levels.  This is a film not to be missed.  I really can’t tell you much about it as it would only detract from the seeing of it.

So, let me just say go buy or rent your copy of Seven Pounds.  Go.

No regrets.