How to Be Eaten by a Bear

If you are looking for some fresh comic perspective on bear hunting, you could either try my new sport or read Help! A Bear Is Eating Me! by Mykle Hansen.  The choice is yours and I don’t want to influence your decision either way.

Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!
Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!

My new sport is fun filled and a lot like catch-and-release fishing, except with bears.  Catch-and-release allows fishermin to demonstrate their prowess without removing a breeding candidate from the waterways.  In this kind of bear hunting hunters shoot bears without removing a breeding candidate from the forests.  You basically get to hunt bears, just like fishing catch-and-release you get to fish; but then you don’t actually kill the bear, just like you don’t actually kill the fish.  No eating; no trophying.

How, you ask, can I hunt a bear without killing it?

Excellent question.  This new kind of hunting is called Splat-and-run hunting, and you hunt the bear with paint guns.  And try not to get eaten like Marv Pushkin, the protagonist in agony of Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!

Marv was not hunting with paint guns.  He had an arsenal of real and powerful hunting rifles.  But then again Marv is a bit of an asshole and an idiot.

Oh, but you haven’t read the book yet.  Look, it’s only 129 pages long and it’s really good.  You could get through it in a day while camping and smoking weed and drinking beer.  Technically the camping isn’t required, though it’s a nice outdoorsy book which takes place in Alaska so the fire helps round out the experience.

You might be thinking that a book about a guy being eaten by a bear isn’t funny.  C’mon.  You probably once thought that a movie about creatures of the undead eating brains couldn’t be funny.  You don’t think that way any more.  It’s time to let your prejudices go.  Let them go far away.

Happy camping.


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