Category Archives: Forking Tongues

Language stuff.

I Allot a Lot to Each Lout.

Hey, Interwebers, it’s simple.

“I like you a lot.” It’s just like “I like you a bunch”. Nobody would write “I like you abunch”. Get it fucking strait!

A lot.

By way of contrast there is also an allotment as in “I will allot you three dollars for candy”.  That’s it.  There is no other.

Here is an easy sentence to help you keep this shit in line.

I allot a lot to each lout and two lots to each leach.

I know; I know: What an annoying prick.

Get it right.

[shakes head; walks away]


Dumber’an W

I have been advocating the introduction into English parlance a new phrase.  I think you will find this phrase useful in many situations and that it will grow fruitfully.  I am proud to bring this phrase for the first time to the Internet:

Why, that’s as dumb as W!

There can be many variations upon this basic theme and I encourage you all to explore the possibilities.  This will open new worlds to your discovery.

So there is no confusion surrounding the usage of this new phrase, let’s take a look at how it might be used.  Let’s say your little brother walks into the room and announces he is going to marry the girl next door.  You might respond, “That’s as dumb as W!  Your nine; she’s ten; it’ll never work.”

Alternatively, your friend may come up to you and claim that Clapton is a better guitar player than Hendrix.  You can cooly reply, “Sometimes you’re dumber than W!  Hendrix unleashed the electric guitar.  Clapton merely played it.”

Apparently in conjuction with my efforts, Oliver Stone has made a new movie.  I can hardly wait.

English Won, Oh, Won!

Since the inception of the Internet many great things have to come to us dancing humans.  It has been a great boon for humanity—intellectually, informationally, pseudo-sexually.

One unintended consequence though has been the unleashing of a host of language butchers.

Mail became e-mail and though we will never see anyone with the slightest grasp of the English language say “the postal carrier brought me three mails today” somehow even the brightest among us will whip out “I got e-mails from my mom and my brother today”.  E-mails sounds like something naughty.  Where are these e-males coming from and do they also have e-females?

I do occasionally chuckle during my chat conversations.  When I wish to indicate to my interlocutor that I have been moved to spontaneous giggles I use the old stand-by “hahaha” or some deviation therefrom.  I am loath to type some such abominable abbreviation such as smomnilsfh—spitting milk out my nose I’m laughing so fucking hard.  Perhaps this is because I can touch type.  Perhaps not.

And what’s the deal with using two periods in a row? I had a friend explain to me that when he did it he wanted less of a pause than an ellipse (three consecutive periods). I asked him how long the pause of an ellipse was. He had no answer. Use an ellipse or a period.

I admit that I had these bad attitudes concerning spoken English long before the Internet showed up.  I reflect with fondness on once hearing my friend say that something or other was across from some other something and my asking him whether he spelled that acrost or a-crossed.  Yet this pronunciation lives on.

As does pronouncing of height as though it contained a second h—heighth.  So when I hear a native English speaker criticizing some immigrant struggling with English as a second or even third language, I shake my head in awe.  “When you have yours in order, then we’ll talk,” I chide them.

Which nicely brings us to one of the most pervasive butcherings to date.  There is a certain alleged Internet provider who will remain nameless—but who is easily identified by the copious discarded CD’s offering hour upon free hour of alleged Internet service—this filth monger thrust upon our beloved Earth a phrase vile and now disastrously ubiquitous: you’ve got mail.  Have got?  What is the sense of this misconjugated compound verb?  You have mail.  You’ve got cancer?  You have cancer.  Let us drop forever the superfluous verb.  Though I feel obligated to point out that “You have gotten better” is kosher.  Still, prefer something like “you’re feeling better” or “your health has really improved”.

Just to be on the fair side, I feel obligated to offer some useful advice for anyone who might be attempting to improve their English.  These are a couple of tricks I have found worth keeping in mind so as to look slightly smarter than I actually am.

How to Outsmart a Chimp

Let us take a look at a common mistake and reveal a simple solution to getting it right.  Lay v lie is a trouble.  It is especially compounded by the curious reality that the past participle of one happens to be the infinitive of the other.  No matter (and don’t worry about what that actually means).

The trick is to merely to remember this simple phrase: “now I lay me down to sleep”. The important part is “lay me” (verb —> object). This relationship reveals all you need to know to choose lay or lie. When you want to place something down you lay that something down. I lay my body down. I will lay the blanket down. If no thing is being lain, then you choose lie. I lie down. I was lying down. I will lie down. (Down is a direction and not a thing).

Now the tricky bit is that I lie now and I lay earlier. Confusing? Sorry. Not my fault. This is true whenever there is no helping verb. So, I was lying down. I lay down earlier. I was lying down when you called. In the end though you can probably avoid any of the more confusing conjugations by using other verbs.

Initially I was slow to parse this guideline and was constantly failing in speech.  Writing is paced more slowly and I was better able to work out the correct usage.

Merriam-Webster has a great little blurb on this distinction and its history at the bottom of its definition for lay.

Computer terms got you up in arms?  I Bit (B) two bytes (b).  I MegaBit (MB) two megabytes (mb).  No need to confuse these two confusing terms any longer.  I bit two bytes.

And just for fun, let’s talk about the usage of shim v shimmy.  I just made this one up, so be gentle: “Shims within the groove make me shimmy”.

This one is typically a spelling problem, but here is a phrase to help: “A lot of folks know well how to allot their time”.

In the end, if you are going to break the rules be certain you know the rules you are breaking.

Ok, take it for what it’s worth.  I’m going to bed.


This is in response to a page (scroll to the bottom) I stumbled upon (in the traditional manner).  On this page Professor Donald E. Knuth (Stanford University) puts forward the argument that since words will traditionally lose their hyphens once they have been commonly accepted into the vernacular, we should drop the hyphen from e-mail.  Where I do believe that much of what he says is correct, I also see e-mail as a particular case where his arguments should not apply.  I will give three reasons to support this claim.

First, though it is true that words will generally lose their hyphens after some appropriate break-in period, it is not the case that all hyphenated words will necessarily lose their hyphens.  He does offer a couple of good examples of recent additions to the English language which have appropriately dropped their hyphens: nonzero and software.  However, counter-culture, counter-clockwise (and anit-clockwise), drug-addicted, free-range, ex-wife, multi-protocol, and right-click are pretty much doomed to always carry around that little extra punctuation.  No harm there.

Second, it would seem more than a little odd to talk about a breakin period.  (Is that a period of break dancing?.)  There are clearly examples where the hyphen is required for clarity.  Break-in, re-examine, and re-organize are all good examples where their unhyphenated counterparts are clumsy, to say the least, as they are parsed along the page.  Breakin, reexamine, and reorganize become difficult for the reader to read.

These two have addressed the problem of hyphenation in general, but my third point relates directly to e-mail.  The e in question is short for electronic, so what we are really talking about is electronic mail.  This mode of conjoining words is very different from compounding two words in the ordinary manner, such as door and knob creating doorknob.  As such I am inclined to think that words created in this manner are less prone to losing their hyphens than compound words created through the more traditional channels.

For these reasons—because not all words lose their hyphens, because e-mail is easier to parse on the page, and because e-mail is a special case of compounding words—we should retain the hyphen in e-mail.

As always, your thoughts are encouraged.


Vaginal Vertigo

This article is all about the Cunt.

Now, you may not like the word cunt, but let’s take a brief look at its history, its etymology.

According to Merriam-Webster:

“Main Entry: cunt
Pronunciation: ‘k&nt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English cunte; akin to Middle Low German kunte female pudenda”

In short cunt was always just about the cunt.

But what’s a pudenda?

Again, thanks to M-W we discover that:

“Main Entry: pu·den·dum
Pronunciation: pyu-‘den-d&m
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural pu·den·da /-d&/
Etymology: New Latin, singular of Latin pudenda, from neuter plural of pudendus, gerundive of pudEre to be ashamed
: the external genital organs of a human being and especially of a woman — usually used in plural”

Must we all feel shame because some folks in the history of humanity couldn’t understand their own biologies?

Speaking of biologies, let’s not forget what happens about once a month to those glorious cunts. That’s right, menstruation:

“Main Entry: men·stru·ate
Pronunciation: ‘men(t)-strü-“wAt, ‘men-“strAt
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
Etymology: Late Latin menstruatus, past participle of menstruari, from Latin menstrua menses, from neuter plural of menstruus monthly, from mensis”

So horrible that it can only be referred to according to its periodicity (ditto period).

Vagina by contrast comes from the Latin for sheath. Thereby those strong, burly roman men have a place to keep their swords. Still, you’re not likely to find many people today throwing that word around as handily as they might cock or balls or ass or even rectum.

It may be curious to note that a google search for these two terms (vaginal and rectal) reveal a much different arrangement: 1.67 million results for rectal and 3.00 million for vaginal. This suggests that the Internet, with its unfiltered honesty, speaks what’s on our minds when our tongues would be silenced.

Still, I am baffled by the horror with which a slip of the tongue over a cunt would produce in mixed company. Surely we should not be horrified by the cunts in our midsts? Possibly, arguably, one of the worst things you could call a person today would be a fucking cunt (especially when said of a woman). But, how can this be bad? A cunt that fucks? Why, that’s the kind I like. Truth be told a non-fucking cunt would much more horrible to me, sort of like a lost opportunity or a murmuring regret.

Where can we go from here?

How about some nice pussy? The etymology on this little critter is a bit slippery. I did find one site that offers some decently logical solutions:

“Pussy as a slang term for the female pudenda is thought to derive ultimately from Low German puse ‘vulva’ or Old Norse puss ‘pocket, pouch’. It didn’t arise in English with a sexual meaning until the 19th century, but prior to that it had been used to refer to women in general (16th century). It has since also come to mean ‘effeminate, feeble, or homosexual men or boys’ (20th century).”

(Incidentally, this page also offers some tidbits about the uses of cunt in relation to prostitution early on in old England.)

Well, if it’s really a pocket or purse, that’s a nice place to keep the family jewels. But what’s a vulva? Back to M-W:

“Main Entry: vul·va
Pronunciation: ‘v&l-v&
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural vul·vae /-“vE, -“vI/
Etymology: New Latin, from Latin volva, vulva womb, female genitals; akin to Sanskrit ulva womb and perhaps to Latin volvere to roll — more at VOLUBLE”


“Main Entry: vol·u·ble
Pronunciation: ‘väl-y&-b&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin volubilis, from volvere to roll; akin to Old English wealwian to roll, Greek eilyein to roll, wrap”

Let’s roll up on the couch tonight, shall we darling?

Of course, labia are simply lips. Majora, minora… big, small. And the clitoris?

Not too much on that history I’m afraid. The Greeks called a clit a klit (actually kleitoris) and the best guess my dictionaries have on that is that it came from kleiein (to shut). No mention of this last at M-W. Perhaps this is because it’s shut up inside its little hood, like little red. Sadly, a google search for clitoris returns only .76 million. Clearly this is an area of neglect in the modern world. If you feel that your clit has been neglected, perhaps we should talk.

As always, looking for ways to dismember societies neuroses and dethrone the hypocrites. Keep these words dear and let’s drain their power away from those others who would use them to perpetuate their own fears and prejudices.

And remember, a rose by any other name would whither and would die.

, Commas, on, the, Rampage,

Commas are on a mission to take over the page.  They must be stopped.

I recently read the first in the Lemony Snicket tales, A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning.  I found it quite an enjoyable tale woven with some skill by the good Mr. Snicket.  However, reading it filled me with annoyance over something that is wreaking havoc on pages all over the globe: the profusion of the superfluous comma.

Most of the additional commas present in this first tale are not meaning manglers.  The jist ought to come through relatively unscathed.  Nonetheless, in our own writing we must consider the superiority of the Gertrude Stein aproach over the I-want-a-pause-here approach.

For an interesting, fun, and informative analysis of comma usage take a look at Eats, Shoots & Leaves: Why, Commas Really Do Make a Difference!. (The title of which contains at least two critical comma-altered meanings.)

For the complete Gertrude Stein position on Commas I can highly recommend The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas.  Damned near required reading, that.  Or  you could sample some of this if you’re more for brevity and not so much interested in the lives of Toklas, Stein, Picasso, Matisse, and friends.

Why should I make such recommendations?  If we are to defeat the enemy, we must know the enemy.

What I have to say about commas is merely to keep them sparse.  If the comma is not required for meaning or clarity then get rid of it.  We have come to the point where if a conjuction appears in a sentence we are near certain to see it preceded by a comma, like the Duchess’ cook in Alice cracking black flecks over our clean white pages.  Madness, I tell you.

Thank you for your indulgence.