We have these cool machines from Starbucks which are similar to the replicators on Star Trek and which are apparently made from Magic.  They are able to, among other things, spit out hot chocolate.

Of course Magic doesn’t use milk or cream.  Magic uses water.  You need Love to make cream and milk.  I guess.

So when the Magic spits out the hot chocolate I add some Half & Half to it.  The reason I add Half & Half is because we don’t have heavy cream or whipping cream.  I would prefer cream as this would make up for the lack of milk and the use of water.  Water is the antithesis of cream and cutting it with cream would give you something like it were made with proper milk.  But I can’t so I use Half & Half.

Everyone knows “watered down” and knows it sucks.  No one says “creamed down” because adding cream would go up and make things better.  So it seems strange to say cutting it with cream since what I’d really be doing would be cutting some cream with chocolate water but whatever.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why aren’t you drinking beer?”

You, sir or madame, are missing the point.

There are a lot of folks out there who get a cup of coffee and they say “hey, where’s the cream?” and the Coffee Jerk points to a little table with various coffee condiments.

There is sugar—maybe even sugar in the raw, whatever that is—right next to the Sweet & Low and the Splenda.  Then you might have a carafe of Half & Half and a chilled bin of non-dairy creamer.

Have you ever seen a non-dairy cow?  No?  You know why?  Because they, like Santa and bug-free programs, don’t exist!

Oh, and Splenda… Splenda?!  Splenda is exactly the opposite of splendid.  It’s shit.  Shit’s nasty.  Don’t put it in your mouth.  Did your mother teach you nothing?

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.  Cream…

The Coffee Jerk lied to the Patron asking for cream or the Patron didn’t really mean cream.  Otherwise the Patron would have landed at the coffee condiment counter and said “ok, so where’s the cream?!”  No cream.  No love.

No Cream = No Love

For those who would dispute this equation, I offer this mild proof.  Farmers love their cows and this love is used to make cream every day.  You say “there’s more to making cream than that and some cows are in factories” and I respond “go get your own fucking cow and love it and see if it doesn’t return some delicious whole milk”.

You are wondering why farms in America—and here I mean family farms—are in decline?  Wonder no longer.  Demand your cream!

Join my movement.