It has come to my attention that a number of pictures are coming to light which include a remarkable likeness of my person involved in modest scenes dating from the 1980’s in America. Specifically in Lake Stevens. I’m not here to name names or to point fingers, but I would like to take a moment to fill in some missing information, some wayward facts, which will help bring these images into the light.

As is famous enough, I was an alien embryo incubated in an experimental trailer park facility. Not an embryo of alien origin mind you. My parents were carefully selected by a group of advanced alien scientists for their unique genetic traits, traits which to the untrained eye may have appeared as genetic defects but which represented an advancement to humankind in the remarkable wisdom of this group of benevolent aliens.

When my parents met at a party in the late sixties and went starry eyed, it was for real. The aliens came into the boudoir of my post-coital slumbering parents and abducted them. These were not your run-of-the-mill anal-probing aliens. No. Though clearly the humans who sacrificed their posterior orifi for the sake of alien knowledge can now understand the purpose of their minor, if repeated, sufferings. Over the course of the next few hours I was created by coaxing specific genome sets into matched pairs in my mother’s unexpecting womb. What a joy for her, I can tell you, when she discovered her periods had stopped.

Fast forward a decade and a half and we find a young man deep in the throes of puberty. This is a critical time for any young human, but it was especially critical for one such as myself with carefully selected genetic material stored deep inside my DNA. In the early 1980’s the aliens returned to reveal themselves to me and to explain of my role in the future of humanity. Over the next decade I was brought to alien worlds for special alien training sessions. During my periods of absence, so as to avoid having to answer any complicated questions, a cybernetic humanoid clone was created in my image. This clone, due to imperfections in the copy process, had severe deficiencies in areas such as fashion, social norms, and dancing.

It is clear that the photographs purportedly of me are in fact photographs of my cybernetic humanoid clone. I apologize for this confusion and for any difficulties this may have caused anyone.