The Global Hair Conspiracy

We’ll just skip over the part where it’s an article from a source known as “spiritscienceandmetaphysics” and just head right into the…

Well, wait… we also have to ignore the utter lack of citation and reliance upon “this guy I knew who dated another guy’s first cousin who was married to an expert”.

Ok, now we can get to the meat of the matter:  The Global Hair Conspiracy.  Obviously that’s true.

Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Read all about it!  The Global Hair Conspiracy!

Maybe you don’t know about this but hair is dead.  There is nothing living anywhere in hair.  Even the hair below the surface of the skin (below the dead layer of skin down into the living layer of skin where the hair is manufactured), even down there the hair is dead.

Sure some hairs can transmit small amounts of data into your skin, but the longer the hair the less the data transmission success.  So if you have hair like me, almost no data whatsoever gets through.

Good Hair Day
Good Hair Day

Yet according to this author I should have psychic abilities, spider senses, I should be a fucking superhero.  Well, except I shave my face.  More or less.  Mostly less.  I don’t use a barber.

Barbers?  We Don't Need No Stinking Barbers!
Barbers? We Don’t Need No Stinking Barbers!

I just trim it with some clippers.  Short hairs.  More superpowers.  I don’t do it because I hate shaving.  I do it for more superpowers!  More superpowers!

You people are so lucky I’m not evil, because I would totally take over the world and mess with your shit.

But you might be wondering how we can hope to argue against “the document”, “a thick official looking folder”, or (of course!) “Samson and Delilah in the Bible”.

Don’t even bother.  I can feel your thoughts, Interwebaroonies.


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