Acute Pronounced Hypochondriasis: Are You Already Infected?

The Internet has provided us with many tools, but few have been so fruitful—few in the history of humanity—as those in the search engine revolution.  As we stuff ever more information into the perpetually expanding sack called Interwebz, we have developed equally swelling search indexing.  Think of it like the expanding universe with another smaller expanding model-of-a-universe of the expanding universe inside of it.  Swelling.  Like an inflammation.

Out there may not yet be all the answers to life’s persistent questions, but out there is a cornucopia of medical information.  Sure, you can probably found out all about anyone else’s medical history or which prescriptions to which they have addictions.  More importantly though you can find out about the horrible mention-less yet debilitating diseases your doctor hasn’t the cockles to tell you that you already have.


From e-bola to ovarian cancer, I have been able to diagnose every ache or pain or wayward thought I have had since the advent of Google.  There is no more wondering on my part.  No more nervously tapping my feet in a thinly carpeted waiting room while my so-called medical practitioner perfects her Ramos Gin Fizz among a cadre of eager male nurses.  Who doesn’t love a good Gin Fizz?

Ramos Gin Fizz
Ramos Gin Fizz

Just ask yourself, do you have any of the following symptoms?

Loss of memory, loss of hair, loss of love, loss of life, loss of memory, loss of mammaries, loss of memory, loss of money, lots of moles, whack-a-mole, constipation, constipation and whack-a-mole, cold feet, lower stamina, lower self-esteem, lower self-adhesion, loss of memory, excessive deja vu, loss of memory, loss of hair, loss of love, loss of life, loss of memory, loss of mammaries, loss of memory, loss of money, lots of moles, whack-a-mole, constipation, constipation and whack-a-mole, cold feet, lower stamina, loss of memory, excessive deja vu, war, death, taxes, depression, elation, changes in cholesterol, plaque, plague, palpitations, fibrillations, amputations, necrolepsy, necromancy, necrophilia, dry skin, wet skin, skin at all, sleep apnea, lactose intolerance, religious intolerance, intolerance of the libido, intolerance of ovulation, nausea, swelling, puffiness, puffins, acne, hackney slang, total lack of imagination, or an inability to eat food without reciting the preamble to the Constitution.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but these are some of the more obvious symptoms.  A fuller list might also include these deleterious symptoms:

Intemperance and business trouble, business nerves, the feebleness of intellect, over taxing mental powers, over action of the mind, hard study, brain fever, brain congestion, brain worms, over study of religion, religious enthusiasm, Salvation Army, hereditary predisposition, ill treatment by spouse, imaginary female trouble, hysteria, immoral life, imprisonment, jealousy and religion, laziness, marriage of children, shooting of children, domestic affliction or trouble, fits and desertion of spouse, rumour of spousal murder, desertion by spouse, parents were cousins, excessive sexual abuse, deranged masturbation, masturbation and syphilis, masturbation for 30 years, tobacco and masturbation, suppressed masturbation, medicine to prevent contraception, sexual abuse and stimulants, sexual derangement, nymphomania, venereal excess, vicious vices, seduction and disappointment, self abuse, suppressed menstruation or menses, menstrual derangement, exposure and heredity, exposure and quackery, exposure in armed service, exposure and trench coat, excitement as officer, death of children due to war, decoyed into armed service, fell from a horse in a war, kicked in the head by a horse, carbonic acid gas, bad company, bad habits and political excitement, bad whiskey, female disease, male disease, hermaphroditic disease, women trouble, men trouble, hermaphrodite trouble, small pox, large pox, poodle pox, pox pox, novel reading, poetry recitation, gathering in the head, greed, grief, gunshot wound, asthma, spinal irritation, fever and loss of law suit, fever and jealousy, false confinement, snuff eating for 2 years, opium habit, time of life, or superstition.

As you can see, this is a great area of concern.  Don’t get yourself checked; your doctor is likely to lie to you.

Lying Doctor with Patient Shield
Lying Doctor with Patient Shield

Get an ointment, get a water potion from your alternative medical practitioner, or have an exorcism.

It may already be to late.


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