People often ask me “Jimbo, how can we possibly solve the transportation problem in the midsts of the great energy crisis we are facing?”. I am asked this question due to the first of two ubiquitous misconceptions which exist about me, namely that somehow I am the secret ruler of all things human. The other misconception, that I am psychic, I have no intention of dispelling. In stark contrast I intend to exploit this to my greatest advantage whenever and wherever possible. I know what you’re thinking.
Though I do work my best toward expelling this myth of supreme leadership by demonstrating my impotence and even incompetence in matters involving humanity and society, I have actually through a careful system of reflection come to the ultimate solution to the transportation problem.
My solution will provide employment for a class of citizen as yet underutilized in our modern society: the He-Man.
Bulked up beyond recognition by chemical means, too animated for the serene life of large equipment operation, floating on the winds of chance like gargantuan gypsies, each muscle group a topographical metaphor for life in a cage and the yearning for freedom—these competitors in strongest man competitions, these members of wrestling federations, will become the socially elevated denizens of the new tomorrow. They are to be a vital element within the system and they will be revered for the role they shall play in delivering humanity from our crisis.
The nib of the crisis is that we are relying upon fuels to move humans from one location to another. In former eras we used human or animal power to move our phat butts about. This change was all well and good so long as these fuels were abundant and cheap. Pump them out of the ground and drive away. The earth made them and so the labor cost was surprisingly low.
Now we are running out of these cheap fuels. Not even fourth world children will work that cheap. Transportation is in jeopardy. We cannot let it sink alongside electric lighting and the Internet. Something must be done and I have the solution.
First we build a number of stations which will be manned and operated by the he-men mentioned above. Next individual transportation equipment will be reduced from SUV’s and sports sedans to two essential and personal garments.
In total there are three pieces of technology, each of which has seen practical use as of this writing.
At each station there will be found catapults and trebuchet. The he-men will be on hand to wind the levers in preparation for lift-off. Each passenger will have a special parachute and a secret squirrel flying suit.
A passenger gets comfortable in the prepared lever and is launched into flight in the direction of the next station (in the case of a long range trip) or in the direction of their destination (in the case of a local trip).
For those inclined to think the trebuchet is passe, here is proof-positive that they are being used by innovators on this continent.
The flying suits are used to extend natural flying time associated with spring loaded technologies, while the parachutes will be used to guide the traveler into the landing arena.
In the end parachutes may be superfluous for many passengers and destinations:
For those travelers using chutes, chutes may be exchanged at stations for a fee to avoid delays in re-packing chutes. For those travelers preferring to re-pack their own parachutes, a re-packing area will be provided near the snack areas.
Travelers traveling with children or pets are encouraged to arrive early to accommodate the additional procedures necessary in this new modern age.
Terrorists are encouraged to set their explosives to detonate near the top of the initial parabolic curve so as to maximize the entertainment value for any citizens in the vicinity.
Cross-oceanic voyages will be possible by using the soon-to-be defunct oil drilling platforms as stations across the Atlantic, the Pacific, and other larger bodies of water.
As you can see, this system contains all the elements necessary to ensure its success and widespread acceptance.
Obligatory Open Challenge:
There are a lot of crazy people in this world. Seems like I already know most of them. Now I’m calling out to the ones I don’t know. Let’s set this up. Let’s build a catapult or a trebuchet and launch one of you madder-than-a-hatter extreme sports junkies into the clear blue. Fame, fortune, your name in tights.
We can’t likely win the world record for longest human powered flight, but I think we will be setting a record for something. The question is: how far can we fling/fly/land a person using this method?
Looking forward to your comments.
Jeb is the perfect candidate to test my system. Crazy or adventurous, he’s got the moxy to get the job done.
Or perhaps Yves Rossy would be a good candidate for testing my system too. Here you will find a good demonstration of his flying techniques.
Nominate your favorite madman.